Hi friends,
As the publicity cycle for my second book, Before We Were Innocent, ramps up, I’m trying to be gentle with myself. I always feel a bit weird about the word perfectionist (it’s the type of thing you list smugly in a job interview when asked about your weaknesses), but I do know that I put a lot of pressure on myself and everything around me to unfold exactly as I predicted (or as I’ve outlined in a 30-page presentation). I’m trying to learn to let go a little and a major part of that is accepting which things I can control and which I cannot. So, while I’m probably never going to post a crying selfie on instagram, I do like the idea of having a place where I can share some thoughts on things that matter to me. And unfortunately since you all signed up for my newsletter a while ago, you’re along for the ride.
I hope you like it (and, more importantly, ME).
Ella 🤍
Thoughts on being too British…
I recorded a podcast recently and, after grossly fumbling my way through most of it, I realised that my self-deprecation (or British-ness) doesn’t always translate. Growing up in England, I was mostly taught that self-promotion is inherently icky, which makes the art of promoting a book I’ve written a tricky thing to navigate, but I can see how constantly undervaluing oneself can come across as tiring at best and solicitous at worse. Everyone* is always telling me (you/one) to be more vulnerable but I think self-deprecation is a false sort of vulnerability and so in the interest of being vulnerable but not solicitous, yes, of course I’m terrified that my first book was a fluke, and no, please don’t say anything to persuade me otherwise.
*self-help accounts on instagram
Thoughts on research...
I’m nearly 20k words in to my third book, as yet untitled, which is about the friendship and rivalry between two female writers in 1960s and 70s Hollywood, who are figuring out how much they need to sacrifice of themselves for their art. I’ve been doing a lot of research into the era and have found myself in many (gloriously psychedelic) rabbit holes, but my favourite has to be everything I’ve learned about Laurel Canyon in its glory days. Here are two of my favourite discoveries so far:
1) Apparently, Carole King once told Joni Mitchell: “You don’t like yourself. I can tell. I like myself.” This seems like a completely wild thing to say to another human, and also struck a chord with me as I’m always fascinated by anyone who likes themself as well as loves themself.
2) In the final chapter of Laurel Canyon by Michael Walker, Walker reminds Henry Diltz (a prolific photographer of the time) of the old Spanish proverb: ‘the road to paradise, is paradise’. Reading this was a timely reminder for me to slow down and enjoy the process of starting a new project after a long break. While it’s satisfying reaching the end of something you’ve worked hard for, there is a sadness too that you never quite remember until it’s too late.
Thoughts on writing…
In a similar vein, if I could give any advice to aspiring writers, it would be to allow character to guide plot, as opposed to plot guiding character. Trust me when I say I’ve tried to work around this in every possible way, but I always come back to the same realisation: You need to know the heart of your characters before you know what they are and aren’t capable of, and that discovery only comes from writing. I’m sure other authors have methods of getting to know their characters that don’t involve writing 15k words they subsequently throw out, but I’ve made peace with my own process. So, by all means write an outline to get started, but also be flexible. You never know what could happen (and that’s ✨the magic✨ of writing fiction).
Thoughts on inspiration…
Recently I’ve rediscovered film, which I understand is an absurd thing to say. Over the past couple of years I’ve been happily absorbed in prestige TV (hi White Lotus and Succession) and some not-so-prestige TV (Buying Beverly Hills you have my whole heart), but I watched a movie recently that affected me in ways I forgot were possible. Aftersun by Charlotte Wells is a truly beautiful depiction of memory, childhood, mental illness and loss, and it’s thanks to this movie that I now have a Pavlovian sobbing response to Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie. It’s interesting that even as I begrudge people asking me how much of my work is autobiographical, and write about a woman begrudging people asking her how much of her work is autobiographical, I’m still compelled to find out as much as I can about the creator of any piece of art I love myself. It’s something I’m thinking about a lot at the moment, and I’m still not entirely sure where I land on it, but I guess I believe that a creator should be able to share whatever they choose about their own life and inspiration and whatever wounds they drained to get there (hence this carefully curated post), while also hoping that this hasn’t been dragged out of them in the pursuit of promotion. Either way, you need to watch Aftersun.
Thoughts on love…
And finally, maybe with everyone’s least favourite holiday Valentines Day coming up, I’ve also been thinking about love. Up until I met my current partner, I had a truly impressive run of bad relationships that generally lasted 75% longer than they should have, so while I don’t feel like I’m in the best position to give advice, I will share this: A few months ago, my husband James and I were walking our dog in Hampstead Heath when we came across a napkin heavily stained with something red. I jumped and shrieked ‘BLOOD!’ at the exact same moment my husband said ‘MMMM, JAM’, and then we just stared at each other for a moment before moving on. So maybe my advice is to find someone who sees jam where you see blood, and vice versa. Neither of you will always be wrong, but neither of you will always be right either.
Final thoughts…
My final spotlight for February is on the charity CHOOSE LOVE. They do the most incredible work for refugees all over the world, and while it’s a UK-based organisation, you can buy real items and life-changing interventions for refugees in their online store (including an emergency winter bundle and a hot meal) from anywhere in the world. An amazing cause run by amazing people.
Love your words and honesty Ella! Xx